Spears Family Nebraska

Comfort object

2012-02-09T21:43:00.004-06:00

This is my dad's shirt. It is currently on my body. I have worn this shirt at least part of every single day since my dad's funeral on December 20. (No need for concern; I have washed it frequently.) I sleep with it at night... I can't wear it, because as a woman of a certain age, I just find it's too hot. I like having it it to hold. My dad went to college at General Motors Institute in Flint, Michigan. It became just plain old GMI when General Motors divested itself of the educational business in 1982. Then sometime in the 90's it lost that name as well and became Kettering University. But to me, it is GMI and is forever associated with General Motors and my daddy.

This is my new favorite shirt. It's also a lovey or what is more scientifically called a comfort object. I guess that's okay. I like thinking that my dad's arms were in these same sleeves. There is some yellow paint on one of the sleeves where either he or my mom must have worn it while painting their house. I like that too.

I have been dreaming about my dad a lot. Usually they are comforting dreams that feature the daddy of my childhood. Sometimes they are sad. I like having a physical thing of my dad's to hold onto when I'm sad. I love my dad and I miss him so much. I'm glad I have his shirt.

A not so tough guy

2012-02-06T10:24:00.005-06:00

Sometimes even tough guys like Indy need
to get in touch with their nurturing side.

Winter makes an appearance

2012-02-04T12:10:00.006-06:00

We have had a very mild, mostly sunny winter here; highly unusual. But last night, winter finally made an appearance with our first heavy snow of the season. The littles got themselves suited up and outside well before lunch.

Candace surveys the scene.

The intrepid adventurers

Posing with their completed snowman and snowbaby.

The start of the "biggest snowman ever".

Warming up with hot tea and cocoa.

Indiana Jones

2012-01-31T09:42:00.007-06:00

One thing that can be difficult for kids who have spent time in an institutionalized setting is creative play. Thomas sometimes has difficulty amusing himself without direction from a parent or one of his sisters, so I am always happy when I discover him immersed in some game of his own making. Today, our young adventurer was practicing his skill with a "bullwhip" he made himself with a flute cleaning rod and a long piece of leftover fleece fabric.

The young Indy and his trusty whip.

Crack it!

Another family skill learned... pets are fun to cuddle.

Injera!

2012-01-28T12:01:00.013-06:00

We have made Ethiopian food at our house several times since adopting the twins in 2009, and the food has always been good. Our downfall has been coming up with good, homemade injera. For Christmas this year, I got Tom an injera making kit from Village Thread. The kit came with a cute "Got Injera?" t-shirt, the ingredients for injera and the cookbook You Can Make Injera. I also bought Tom a cooker that I found recommended somewhere... it is a Silverstone Heritage Lesfe Grill and we bought it online at Target. The lid (which you need) is sold separately and you can order it directly from the company after you get your grill.

After carefully following the directions, Tom was able to make some darn good injera. It tasted just right. The hardest part was probably pouring it out and removing it from the pan. Tom watched the guest house cooks in Ethiopia make injera, and I think seeing how they did it was helpful.

Tom's injera

He also made a meat dish and a vegetarian dish to go with it.
It was all delicious!

The littles digging in... I'm always amazed how much
they eat on Ethiopian food night!

p.s. I think the injera kit from Village Thread was a seasonal item, but they have lots of other great Ethiopian items and the sales benefit two great charities... check them out!

Life goes on

2012-01-20T21:19:00.011-06:00

I have posted much lately, because since my dad died, I just haven't felt like doing much of anything that requires a lot of thought or effort. But it is true... life does go on, and even though my sadness is still great, I don't think my dad would want me to be missing the small joys of daily life. Our children are with us for such a short time before they venture out on their own; it would be wrong to try not to enjoy every possible minute. (Thank you Kristen, for a timely reminder on your Facebook page the other day!)

So here are just some random moments from the last few days:

My favorite jeans got a giant rip in the butt... no longer appropriate on a woman approaching the age of 50, no matter how attractive she may be. These jeans are pretty ancient and have seen me through many a day... including being the one pair of jeans I took on my BEMM trip to Ethiopia in November of 2010. Good-bye, beloved denim friend. (Cue dramatic music here)

Sarah in rapt attention with her Nintendo DS

Candace said, "I wonder how come if I got a guitar for Christmas, I can't play it right?" We took this as a hint and Tom taught her how to hold it and how to hold the strings down with her fingers... I guess real lessons may be in order soon.

A happy future rock star.

Whenever I take a picture of anybody,
Thomas comes running over pleading "Picture me!"

This is just a gratuitous photo of the adorable
Miss Sylvia Kittywhiskens.

My dangerous pasttime

2012-01-13T21:26:00.016-06:00

I read something recently in the Omaha World-Herald that got me thinking... "A dangerous past-time.." "I know." *

Anyway.

The article was written by local columnist Rainbow Rowell and it deals with gender roles and toys. I will wait here patiently while you read or skim it, which will save me a lot of time recapping the article. Lazy, yes. I've had a hard month; indulge me.

Okay. So what I was thinking today is that when it comes to gender roles, many people (and by this I mean mostly, but certainly not exclusively, women) seem to get quite bent out of shape by any toy, television show, product etc. that goes out of its way to appeal to girls by being... well, girlie. Some examples are the pink Legos mentioned by Rainbow, Disney princesses, Barbie etc. It's like being a girlie girl is letting down the people who worked so hard for women's rights or something.

Why?

I have boys and girls, and my personal experience is that they are just wired differently. Sure, sometimes my little boys played with dolls, or dressed up in princess dresses and jewelry. Sure, sometimes my little girls ran around the house hacking down imaginary enemies with their sword fighting skills. But really, I think that most girls are just naturally wired to enjoy "pretty" things and most boys are looking for some action and adventure. So why do so many these days feel embarrassed if their little girls want to act like GIRLS?

Maybe this is just another example of how the traditional roles of girls and women in society is just not valued as much as the traditional role of boys and men. We want our girls to go out and DO things. Don't just be suckered in by that cute baby or pretty dress, darn it! We are appalled that in the third world, girls are frequently treated as lesser citizens, not even worth educating in many places. But aren't we subtly saying the same thing about the worth of being a girl when we discourage girls from choosing a certain toy or activity or maybe even a career... just because of it's "girliness"?

Maybe I'm just sensitive since my career of choice is the girliest one of all... stay at home mom. I don't wear pearls and a nice dress while vacuuming and I don't want to... but I don't have a burning desire to be out in the wide world performing engineering time studies, either. (I did that. In another life... long ago.) I like to wear pretty clothes, I like to take care of babies and I'm a sucker for makeup in cute little packages. I totally would have loved My Little Pony (with combable hair!) and pink Lego sets if they were around when I was little. I remember my mom making me a Cinderella costume for Halloween when I was in the second grade, and one of my prized possessions was a coat that had a fake fur collar that I lovingly referred to as my "big buffy coat". I loved Barbies. I also had my own Tonka dump truck. And look, I grew up mostly normal.

If you have a daughter who happens to like trucks, Hot Wheels and ninja stuff, I don't have a problem with that. And my son loves his baby doll. Obviously, there is a lot of cross-over for both genders in their interests at any given time. But I think that we need to give little girls a break and let them know that it is definitely okay to be a girlie girl. Without apology. Because being a boy is great. And being a girl is great, too.

* See lyrics from Disney's Beauty and the Beast

All home!

2012-01-09T21:32:00.007-06:00

In our first travel group for Thomas' adoption, for our court appointment in March, there were 11 families. Our second group in June had 10 additional families, some on their first trip and a couple on their embassy trip, like us. Twenty-one families. I am so happy to have learned yesterday that the final family from these two groups has brought their son home to the United States, as of late last week. Everyone has their family together for 2012! What a great way to start the New Year!

Mommy fail

2012-01-04T22:32:00.006-06:00

So... if you read my blog just to see the cute pictures of the littles, you should probably skip this one.

People say to me all the time, "You have such a beautiful family." They see us out and about, at church or shopping or whatever, usually with happy kids, both big and little, and a reasonably cheerful mom and dad. We look like peace and love and racial harmony.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Sometimes... not.

What I really have, in many ways, is three families: the family with the big kids, or the "original" family; the family with the littles, which is sort of like the "new" family; and the "combined" family, which is where everything tends to go to hell in a hand-basket.

I feel like the woman in the graphic I've attached to this post. I've had the big kid plates spinning pretty well, those original three, and I could keep the little kid plates spinning pretty well too, even though they are hard plates to spin, if I could just set those big kid plates down for awhile. But I can't, because their plates need spinning too so I'm spinning all six at once and I also have the husband plate and the the pet plate and it's really hard and then... maybe some outside clown cuts in on my performance, like a death in the family, and Mr. Death Clown starts messing with my plates and everything just comes crashing DOWN!

What we get then is mommy melt-down, and it isn't pretty. It's a screaming, crying, hysterical mess that makes everyone just want to get away. From her. In these moments, I honestly feel like pretty much the worst mother on the planet. The. Worst. I feel like I am just not giving anyone what they need and like I am a total failure and you know what? It sucks.

My kids range in age from 22 to 5 at this time. That's a huge difference in terms of wants and needs for a mom to be in tune with. Concerns are ranging from career choices to learning to tie shoes. I know of so many moms who seem to be able to do it, but I'll tell you something... it's hard. I'm not sure I'll ever feel that I'm adequate at this.

I love my family. Every single member, completely and totally. I love that the big kids have sacrificed for the littles. I also hate that the bigs have sacrificed for the littles. I just wish that I could keep everyone's plate spinning perfectly and that I would be a better, more consistent performer.

Thomas' first trip to Disney World!

2012-01-03T12:59:00.005-06:00

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

Here comes another one, just like the other one

2011-12-27T21:29:00.003-06:00

Candace and her missing front tooth... same one Sarah lost a few days ago. Well, they were easily identifiable briefly anyway.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T06:00:00.000-06:00

Wishing you a joyous and blessed Christmas... from all of the Spears family here in Nebraska to your family, wherever you are!

All she wants for Christmas...

2011-12-23T19:43:00.003-06:00

... is a visit from the Tooth Fairy. Well, probably not all she wants, but it will be a good start.

Sarah's new toothless smile!

His first major award!

2011-12-22T16:34:00.006-06:00

Thomas was the thrilled second place winner of the holiday art contest sponsored by our local newspaper, The Ashland Gazette. All of the students at St. Mary's preschool participated in the contest along with other local children. Below is part of the article featuring his explanation of the award winning art he is proudly displaying.

(photo, The Ashland Gazette, 12/22/2011)

"Thomas Spears, 5, was awarded second place in the younger group (ages 4 to 7) for his drawing of a “monkey Santa” and a Christmas tree, which were being blanketed by a colorful orange snow. His favorite animal is the monkey, he said, thus the unusual depiction of Santa Claus. The color of the snow, well that’s another matter.

Perhaps it was because Thomas experienced his first snow this winter. He was adopted from his native country of Ethiopia in July by Tom and Paula Spears of rural Ashland. Thomas thought the snow was “cold” but not too cold to keep him inside. “I made a snowman,” he said with excitement. He also wanted to have a snowball fight, but unfortunately, there were no takers, according to his father.

Both second place winners were awarded a family meal deal from Breadeaux Pizza in Ashland."
(The Ashland Gazette, 12/22/2011)

Good-bye, Daddy

2011-12-20T13:00:00.000-06:00

My daddy died on Wednesday, December 14, 2011. It was Thomas' birthday and I wanted to make sure he had his happy day. But my heart was broken. Today we said good-bye to Dad at his funeral Mass. I love my dad so much... I always thought I was his favorite child, but I rather suspect that my four siblings all thought that they were. He was that kind of a dad.

When I was in college, I was a co-op student at the General Motors division that my dad had worked at since he was an 18 year old college student himself. One semester, I worked in my dad's department, Transmission Service. Dad was the head of this department and had many employees. Once, we were all assembled in an auditorium for a presentation on some change in corporate policy. I remember the presenter gazing out over the large group assembled and turning to Dad and saying "Wow, Carl, this is a big group! Are these people all yours?" To which my father replied "Well, they're not mine, they just work for me. Except that one in the back, she belongs to me." Everyone looked at me and laughed... and I felt ridiculously proud.

My dad was highly respected and liked because he treated people the way he wanted to be treated. He was smart and he was wickedly funny. My kids bragged to their friends that their grandpa was the coolest and funniest grandpa around. Sometimes he was downright cranky. But we all always knew how much he loved us.

I am going to miss him so much for the rest of my life. I love you, Daddy.

In God's time

2011-12-18T07:00:00.001-06:00

Remember when I wrote this? I am now happy to report this.
Thanks, God.

Thomas turns five!

2011-12-14T22:21:00.006-06:00

Thomas had his first birthday as an American citizen today. He is officially five years old! He was very excited to take cupcakes to share at preschool, but even more excited for presents and birthday cake at home. We feel so lucky to have this wonderful little boy in our family!

Let the unwrapping begin!

Candace and Sarah were almost as excited as Thomas to get the presents opened.

Every gift was greeted with this display of genuine enthusiasm.

Thor... he loves it!

Thomas picked out this soccer cake with some help from Mommy.

After a pizza dinner, Thomas blew out his candles and we all enjoyed the delicious cake!

It's basketball season!

2011-12-07T15:55:00.012-06:00

My husband Tom and I grew up in Indiana. That's basketball country; particularly high school basketball. Remember the movie "Hoosiers"? Small town squad wins the big state championship against the big boys from Indianapolis in storied Hinkle Fieldhouse (at Butler University for those of you who like NCAA Cinderella stories)... at any rate, I digress. High school basketball is very popular in Indiana, and although it definitely takes a back seat to football here in Nebraska, we enjoyed taking the youngsters to view AGHS in one of their early season match-ups last week. Of course, we were also there to cheer on the World's Cutest Cheerleader as she cheered on the Bluejays.

Important disclaimer: Although Tom and I are both Hoosiers by birth, we are Boilermakers by choice. This is a critical distinction.

Bluejay fans

The boys in action

Cheerleaders in action...

...including our favorite one.

Sisters

Dance team at half-time

New snow and ho, ho, ho!

2011-12-04T21:23:00.003-06:00

Finally, what Thomas has been waiting for since his first glimpse of snowflakes back in early November... snow that stuck, deep enough to play in! Even better, it fell on the very day of his first visit with that jolly old elf, Santa Claus himself!

Candace, Santa, Sarah and Thomas

Ready for some snowy fun!

Thomas wanted to throw snowballs at someone very badly!
Alas, no takers. Maybe next time, buddy.

Joy in small things

2011-12-02T22:04:00.006-06:00

Thomas spent the morning running errands with me yesterday. Our first stop was Mommy's orthopedist, where I got some cortisone shots in both shoulders... not my favorite thing. Thomas was a concerned observer after enduring six vaccinations himself a couple of weeks ago. We also went to the bank. The teller gave me some things for Thomas: a balloon, a sticker and a mini candy cane. When I gave them to Thomas, he said "All this for me?" He could hardly believe his good fortune. We also went to visit a friend who works at a gift shop. Thomas was enthralled with the Christmas "socks" on display. I explained that they were called stockings and that he would get one with his name on it to hang up for Santa to fill on Christmas Eve. When we got home, by the magic of the USPS, it was there! Thomas was so excited... we decorated the mantle right away.

I love how the small things make his face light up... a sticker and balloon, a stocking and a candy cane. I hope that his sweet appreciation for the small blessings will stay with him forever.

Thomas loves his stocking!

The holidays have begun!

2011-11-28T23:17:00.000-06:00

We traveled to Indianapolis for Thanksgiving this year, our hometown and home of both sets of grandparents. In fact, my parents moved a couple of months ago, so they now live right around the corner from Tom's parents. Although that seems like it would make visiting more convenient, this trip posed some new challenges. Firstly, although we have two large SUV's, you just can't fit eight people in an 8 passenger vehicle when there are three car seats involved. So we took two cars. Secondly, we stayed in a nearby hotel, as our large family also overwhelms the small retirement community houses our parents live in.

We arrived in town Wednesday night and after quick hellos to the grandparents, settled down into our rooms at the hotel for some sleep. Thanksgiving day was spent with the Spears family and Friday was at my sister Johanna's house with the Miles family. Saturday we hit the road and were home again by dinner time. It was sure nice to see everyone; the long drive for a short trip was worth it.

Cousin Becky and boyfriend Rommel playing Yahtzee
with Candace and Thomas

Kenneth, Emily and Anna with cousin Paul

The Spears Family!

Tom and his brother Andy... eyes on the football game.

Sarah snuggling with cousin Libby.

At the pool with my dear sister in law Linda.

We're rarely photographed together since

we take all the pictures.

Kenneth playing poker with cousins Noah and Dereck

and Uncle Colin while Candace and Grandpa observe.

Kenneth explaining the fine points of the game to Candace.

Candace reading with Aunt Johanna.

Thomas loves Anna!

Swimming with cousins Samantha and Allie and friend Hannah,

daughter of our college friend Elaine and her husband Chris.

Dance, dance, dance

2011-11-26T12:00:00.000-06:00

This past week we had parents' viewing night at the twins' dance class. They have limited space for spectators, so we only get to watch occasionally. The studio is in a church basement and is thus a little dark, so it's hard to get pictures, but here are a few that are at least viewable of Candace and Sarah strutting their stuff. I was impressed how much better they have gotten since last year; Miss Mollie is a good teacher.

Stretching and listening to Miss Mollie's instructions.

A blurry ballet shot of Candace.

Tap class

Sarah practicing buffaloes.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T08:00:00.000-06:00

Wearing blinders

2011-11-21T16:03:00.010-06:00

The idea of a "trauma anniversary" certainly isn't new, and I read about it in The Connected Child, Attaching in Adoption and Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child early in my relationship with the twins. It's funny to me, then, that I just wised up this year, our third November with the twins, that the reason they are so difficult at this time of year is that this is the time of year that they were relinquished to the orphanage in Nazret. I am sure they could not verbalize this. I am also sure that they have no idea what month is was, and they certainly don't get any clues by weather or cultural events, since both are vastly different in Nebraska and Ethiopia. Honestly, I don't know how it works... just another mystery of the human brain. But I do know that at this time, we experience lots of acting out and lots of sadness and longing for Ethiopia and the family they left behind. It is painful for me to watch and I am sure even more painful in their hearts. (It's also very draining for everyone, which explains my absence from this blog of late.)

We talked about their adoption story in therapy this week, and that seemed to help. In addition, I am trying to be extra patient with tantrums and controlling behavior. Not easy... but a lot easier than what they have been through. Love will see us through. Especially now that my blinders are off.

Getting to know you

2011-11-14T10:21:00.003-06:00

Sylvia loves Bobby. Sylvia wants to snuggle with him in the dog cabinet all the time. Bobby, alas, is not reciprocating her enthusiasm. At least he's not running away from her in terror now. :)

Mr. Personality

2011-11-10T22:11:00.009-06:00

It's interesting to watch as Thomas moves out of his "honeymoon" behavior and we get to see his real personality. Generally speaking, he is a happy kid and easy to parent. He is kind of wiggly and makes a lot of those weird little boy noises. He certainly is interested in the details of his next meal. Here are some pictures that capture some of the facets of his sweet personality.

He is destined to be the class clown...
always trying to make us laugh.

Do you see a recurring theme here?

He wears many hats... sometimes literally.

He can pout like nobody's business and turn on the waterworks instantaneously when needed... no surprise to any of my fellow adoptive parents of Ethiopian children, I'm sure.

But most of the time the Thomas we see
has the sunniest smile around!

Soccer finale

2011-11-06T20:29:00.003-06:00

I got these photos from one of the other "soccer moms"... just had to say that. ;) They are from the final game of the season, which was actually a couple of weeks ago. Thomas had a blast playing, and best of all, he made a friend!

Playing in the final game of the fall.

The Blue Team

Soccer buddy Zachary

This is Ethiopia!

2011-11-04T18:57:00.010-05:00

Ethiopia is a very poor country and a lot of the international press about it subsequently features pictures of poverty, drought and famine. But... Ethiopia is very beautiful and so much more than that. I have decided to periodically feature a photo that reflects this beauty and the culture of Ethiopia, so readers who are unfamiliar with the country can see why we love it so much.

Here is the first one!

Bora, Ethiopia...
A small village in the Gamo-Gofa zone of the SNNPR.
It is about six miles up the mountain from the town of Chencha
One of the most beautiful places I have ever visited.

First snow

2011-11-02T15:53:00.004-05:00

First snow of the year and first snow ever for Thomas! We have had a cold and wet day today, and for awhile there were big fat flakes falling from the sky. Thomas was disappointed in the lack of noticeable accumulation, but we assured him that he would get to see plenty this year. I'm sorry to say I don't share his enthusiasm, but I am so grateful to his lovely preschool teacher, Mrs. Martin, for taking him outside to experience the snow and get his picture taken for this exciting first!

They're hard to see in the pictures,
but the flakes were big, wet and fluffy.

I love that face!

A happy Halloween

2011-11-01T10:56:00.004-05:00

This is the third year for the twins to take part in Halloween, and Thomas' first! I'm pretty sure Thomas had no idea what to expect, but he was excited because he got to wear his soldier outfit. Candace and Sarah started their festivities with a party and parade at school, which I was sure to attend because last year I was informed that I was the only mommy who didn't come. (Statement followed by much snubbing and pouting.) I have photographic evidence of my attendance this year. Thomas had a party at preschool as well, and so the excitement level was high in the hours leading up to the big event. I'm pretty sure a good time was had by all.

Supergirl Candace in the school parade.

Cleopatra Sarah has a regal wave... not. :)

With the jack o'lanterns they carved with Daddy.

Ready to hit the streets!

Anna and the littles

Hello Kitty!

2011-10-30T17:31:00.012-05:00

We live in a neighborhood development, but out in the country. Most of our neighbors are seasonal and aren't around much. So, we were a little surprised to find a tiny stray kitten crying piteously in the plantings up next to our house. Weirdly, I was just thinking the night before that it would be fun for the littles to have a kitten... then, pouf! one is deposited in our front yard!

She's very teeny, maybe four weeks old at a guess. I saw no mama or siblings around, but I suspect she is from a litter of feral/farm kitties. Tomorrow I will take her to the vet. She's not eating well and she has a little infection in her eye although she is healthy looking overall.

The children were overjoyed... both the bigs and the littles. We have named her Sylvia.

Sylvia

Hello, Kitty...meeting the other pets (minus one cat, Lucy).

It's a dream come true for Candace and Sarah!
They have wanted a kitten for a long time.

Reluctantly "snuggling" with Thomas

The littles built Sylvia a "house" with Barbie dollhouse furniture... Bridget checks it out.

Candace has been practicing her nurturing skills.

Camp out

2011-10-26T21:10:00.009-05:00

We've been promising the littles for quite some time that we would take them camping. Tom got a new family sized tent for his birthday a couple of weeks ago, so this weekend we made the trip to a nearby state recreation area. It is conveniently located so close to home that we were able to set up camp, go to Mass on Saturday evening and then head back to our camp site. Plus, we avoided the whole cooking over an open fire or camp stove by bringing pizza from town after we went to church.

Although it rained a drizzly mist while we were setting up the tent, the rest of the evening was pretty clear and cool. The kids had a lot of fun "hiking", playing with sticks and avoiding monsters in the dark, in addition to all the usual campfire activities. The night was chilly but the sleeping bags were warm and everyone had a great time. Looking forward to going again!

Our campsite

Hiking in the wilderness

Little kids with big sticks.

The intrepid parents

The traditional camp meal... pizzeria pizza.

Sarah really enjoyed scary story time.

Getting ready to roast marshmallows for s'mores.

Mother to mother

2011-10-24T22:51:00.014-05:00

This is Saba Ayalew of Dessie, Ethiopia.

This is one of her two teenage sons.

Here is the write up on Saba from Because Every Mother Matters' new sponsorship program for mothers struggling against poverty in Ethiopia:

"She is 35 years old, and has a 16 year old boy, and a 13 year old boy in grade 5. She has a lot of back pain, and we think is suffering from a fistula. Saba was born in Lalibella, and moved to Dessie 12 years ago. She is not eating regularly. Her goals are to make bread and sell vegetables in the market. Saba is the mama who lived in the house that was basically a tin room, it was maybe 5' x 5'. BEMM rented her a new home, with a new bed, new blankets and sheets. She even has electricity!"

Saba's new home

Clean new bedding

Sponsorhip means little things like a clean bed, and bigger things, like help starting an income generating small business for her family.

What a difference hope can make!

We are the happy new sponsors of Saba Ayalew and her family. Sponsorship is a three year commitment of $55 per month. Cam you provide hope to a mother and her family? Please go to Because Every Mother Matters and find out about other mothers who need help and hope to keep their families together.

Many thanks to Amy Smith of BEMM for these beautiful photographs!

Guilty love

2011-10-21T22:29:00.006-05:00

If you know me in "real life", you know that I have a fretful nature. I am not one of those people who easily "lets things go". When I get something in my head, I tend to let it stew around in there for a good long time, particularly at night when I'm supposed to be doing something useful, like sleeping.

When we started our first adoption process over three years ago, I was consumed with the idea of fulfilling my desire to add to our family by adopting a child from Ethiopia; a child who had lost her family and would blossom under the love of ours. Three years later, I know a lot more about the reality of adoption and have developed knowledge about attachment difficulties, kids from trauma backgrounds and the ethical issues that swirl around international adoptions.

Whew. Sometimes, it just makes me tired.

Because I do care about ethics in adoption, and I do care about what's right for the kids and birth families. I do. I lay awake worrying about it and our family has become passionate about the plight of kids and mothers in the third world.

I am constantly reading, reading, reading... discussions about adoption ethics, discussions about attachment, discussions about poverty. Some say that adoption is a crime against children; they should never be removed from their birth families or cultures. Some say it's a mandate of Christianity to adopt the orphans and place them in families. Some say that it's an elitist oppression against the third world. Some say it's a chance at a "better life". Some just don't care.

I'm tired. And guilty.

Why guilty? Because... I just love my adopted children so much. So much that my heart is almost bursting. Unconditionally, without reservation; just as I love my three older children. When I touch their precious heads while they're sleeping or hear their sweet giggles... I just feel love. Love.

Sometimes I just want to forget about all of the adoption baggage and just focus on the love.

I hate that my love is at the cost of their loss. Loss of family and culture due to complicated circumstances beyond the understanding of a little kid. But sometimes, I admit, I just want to feel that love. I don't want to think of all of the bigger issues, I just want to love them and hold them and revel in them. I want to feel that bond of love and family without feeling guilty about the family far away.

For what it's worth, I am a centrist when it comes to adoption. Adoption can be good; or it can be horribly wrong. Sometimes it is somewhere in the middle.

But love is good. And I love them so much. I just want to hold them and thank God for the gift of them and just bask in love. I don't have all of the answers; and I will keep asking questions and most likely fretting... but sometimes I just want to have all the love without the weight of the past. Even if that's unrealistic.

Friends

2011-10-19T21:45:00.007-05:00

Today was an early dismissal day from school due to parent-teacher conferences. We were lucky enough to have the twins' friend Dayna stay with us after school until her dad could get home from work. After Tom and I attended both conferences (glowing reports by both teachers!), we scooted over to Thomas' preschool for a surprise early pick-up and then all six of us went to local favorite Cheri-O's for ice cream.

The remainder of the afternoon was spent by the littles in a loud and raucous game that involved lots of screaming and multiple changes of clothing from the dress-up basket. Overall, I think the day was a big hit.

Back in the saddle again

2011-10-17T22:24:00.006-05:00

Candace in summer of 2010

I realized last week after about the umpteenth screaming, crying fit over something trivial that we were missing a very important person in our lives... Cathy, also known as The Wonder Therapist. We started seeing her about two years ago, and she has been crucial to our family's growth and well-being as we worked through attachment and trauma difficulties. Our last visit was several months ago... we waited too long. The lesson learned here, by me, is that maybe our need for professional help is permanent. And that's okay. We don't have nearly the drama that we used to have on a daily basis, but there are still insecurities that pop up and old issues that come back to the forefront. It's just another example about how parenting my adopted children can be so different than parenting my birth children.

If you live in Nebraska, I highly recommend the therapists at the Attachment and Trauma Center of Nebraska in Omaha. If you live elsewhere, I recommend finding an experienced attachment/trauma therapist or counselor for adopted children who have experienced trauma, grief or loss (which really, is most of them, right?) Tom and I have learned so much from Cathy and we have been so much better enabled to help our children heal. We're planning on having ongoing monthly visits for the foreseeable future... saddle up.

p.s. This is also a good time to remind readers about my favorite book on adoption and attachment, The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis. You can find it on my bookshelf in the left hand column, just click on the picture of the book to learn more!

Autumn extravaganza

2011-10-14T22:22:00.007-05:00

We have had a beautiful fall this year with lots of warm and sunny days. Today the kids had a vacation day from school, so Anna and her friend Daryl decided on this not-quite-as-sunny-but-still-nice day to take the littles to Vala's, the local "pumpkin patch". It was Thomas' second trip to this autumn extravaganza, as he and Tom went a couple of weeks ago with the preschool class. I was happy to miss the pumpkin patch this year (I have been at least a dozen times), but glad that Anna took so many nice pictures to share!

Pile of kids on a pile of pumpkins.

Daryl and Sarah

Thomas burying Anna with corn. It is the Cornhusker state.

Three little ghosts

Candace, future farmer of America.

Long ago, at a university far, far away...

2011-10-12T22:34:00.006-05:00

...this young lady competed for the
Purdue University Gymnastics Club.

Nature that slithers... OR don't look, Mom

2011-10-11T16:11:00.004-05:00

One of the things we have really enjoyed since moving out to the country is the variety of animals we see around our house... many types of waterfowl, bald eagles, deer, coyotes, raccoons, foxes and I even saw a badger recently. I have also grown to appreciate snakes. Yes, the slithery reptiles. We have them in rather abundant amounts around here. Usually the ones we see are fairly small garter snakes or bull snakes, but this afternoon Kenneth alerted me to this handsome guy sunning in our drive way. He's a large bull snake and harmless to humans, although I imagine he would bite if provoked. Definitely should help keep the invasive rodent population down as the fall progresses.

(The title is a warning to my mom. She doesn't appreciate nature of the herpetological variety.)

Run for the Roses

2011-10-09T17:39:00.030-05:00

In this case, the run is for people, not horses. We went on a road trip to Ames this weekend to participate in Emily's sorority philanthropy event for the year, the AOII 25th Annual Run for the Roses. Proceeds from the race benefit arthritis research. The littles were very excited to hit the road and get to "Emily's school". I was pretty excited myself to visit with my eldest daughter.

Our first stop was the AOII house to check out Emily's room, shared with roommate Jeanette... (appearing incognito later in this post).

Emily, Anna, Sarah, Thomas and Candace

Checking out Emily's bed... the top bunk is so awesome.

After a delicious dinner at a downtown Ames eatery, we went back to the hotel for some swimming and hot tub fun.

Sarah

Warming up in the hot tub

While Emily and Anna went out for some sisterly bonding, Tom and I put the littles to bed with some soothing Disney channel programming (we girls) and college football (the boys). The next day, we were up and at 'em for racing. While Tom waited for his 5K to start, we posed for pictures with Stella the Panda, an AOII mascot.

Hmm... Stella looks an awful lot like Emily's roommate, Jeanette.

We couldn't find Daddy at the start, so we hurried over to the finish line to catch him there.

Tom at the finish

Finally, it was time for the kids' Fun Run. Thomas chose to run with the 5-7 year old age group with Candace and Sarah. They got off to a good start, first third of the pack. Thomas was a little speedster and passed many kids and finished third. Candace and Sarah were sixth and eighth. All of the kids were awarded a participation ribbon and a great time was had by all!

Thomas making his move.

Candace

Sarah

Well done, runners!

School day

2011-10-07T21:38:00.011-05:00

Today I had a special experience... substitute teaching at Thomas' preschool! Luckily, I was really a substitute teacher's aide. Thomas' teacher had to attend an out of state wedding, but her very capable aide was still in class to run the show and I moved into the position of assistant. Thomas attended with me this morning as well his regular class in the afternoon. We had fun coloring the Ten Commandments train (car number 8, "don't tell lies"), sharing show and tell items, having a snack and enjoying lots of free play time.

In between classes, Thomas and I paid a surprise visit to Candace and Sarah's elementary school for lunch! The girls enjoyed introducing Thomas to their teachers and friends, and we got to enjoy some pizza and chocolate milk for lunch. We stayed for recess, then headed back to St. Mary preschool.

Sarah and Candace enjoyed showing Thomas
around the cafeteria.

Enjoying my lunch with the littles!

It was a fun but pretty tiring day for both Thomas and me!

This and that

2011-10-05T21:56:00.012-05:00

Today I have kind of a mixed bag of pictures to share. The first one is actually from last week. I rescued an entire family of deer mice from the middle of the road. (Yes, I get out of my car to do that kind of thing regularly.) This little guy got left behind, separated from the family unit. He was so tiny; only about half the size of my thumb. After a call to my veterinarian friend, Lisa, I was persuaded he would be okay if I took him back and left him near where his family was last seen.

Winston the baby deer mouse in a plastic container on my kitchen counter.

Next up, we have a picture of the littles enjoying movie night on Mommy and Daddy's bed. It was an effort to get them to settle down. Moderately successful at best.

Candace, Sarah, and Thomas enjoying Bambi.

Finally, Anna's cheer picture for 2011-2012.
Hard to believe she is a senior!

We're so proud of her!

How low can they go?

2011-10-03T19:47:00.008-05:00

Or in this case, how deep can they go?

The littles have been keeping themselves amused during these lovely days of Indian summer by digging a big hole. Yep, that's right. Digging. Almost as fun as collecting sticks was early in the summer. I love seeing this kind of hands on, free-form outdoor play.

Busily working. Candace did reassure us at dinner that she didn't think they would make it past the earth's crust to the mantle. Whew. That's a relief; I didn't want to have to add seismic disturbance to my list of worries.

Very proud of their hole in the sand. Possibly, so I've been told, the biggest hole ever dug by children.

Taking it personally

2011-10-01T19:36:00.009-05:00

This is the first picture we ever saw of our son, Feyissa Thomas. It was taken in May of 2010 when he was relinquished to the orphanage. What do you see here? I see a sad and scared little boy, and also a child that we would call malnourished here in the United States.

His intake paperwork, however, doesn't mention a thing about malnourishment. Is that because they were trying to be deceptive? No, I don't think so. I believe it's all a matter of degrees. In the third world, malnourishment can and often does look more like this:

Obviously, this is a picture of a severely malnourished child. Malnutrition has many levels of severity. The pictures of malnourished famine victims coming out of the Horn of Africa strike my heart very painfully these days. Thomas comes from an area of Ethiopia considered endangered by the extreme drought that is affecting Somalia, Ethiopia, Djibouti and Kenya. My son could be one of these children, if circumstances were just a tiny bit different. His own blood relatives, as subsistence farmers, are endangered.

For us, it is good to know that after just a few months at the orphanage, with good nutrition and medical care, Feyissa Thomas looked like this:

It's hard to tell in these baggy clothes, but he gained weight quickly. His face is rounder; his skin looks brighter; he is healthier. He continues to grow very rapidly, as you can see from his photo in my previous post.

My fervent prayer is that all of the children in the drought area get a chance to live a healthy life. I once again encourage you to consider an emergency donation to the aid organization of your choice. Just Google "Horn of Africa Famine Relief"... you should find several worthy groups.

Three months home... and all is well.

2011-09-27T14:45:00.010-05:00

See that smiling face? That's how our happy little boy looks pretty much all the time. We had our first post placement visit with our social worker Monday, and we barely had a negative thing to report. This is in great contrast to our first three months with the twins, which frequently were, quite frankly, akin to the "living hell" one hears mentioned. I think I wasn't sharing about it much, because the only post I could find mentioning the high stress of our household at that time was this one, and it's pretty moderate.

So basically, Tom and I just keep waiting for something to happen... where is the grieving, the tantrum throwing, the sleeping and food issues? Thankfully (for now at least) not here. But I know the grieving has to be in that little heart somewhere. Just wondering when it will come out.

River City Rodeo

2011-09-26T16:56:00.014-05:00

Omaha, Nebraska is host each year to the River City Rodeo, the second largest rodeo in the world.. behind only the championship event in Las Vegas. This year, Tom and I took the littles to an event hosted by YPO which featured dinner, a talk by rodeo roping star Stran Smith and of course, the main event. Rodeo!

Before dinner, the kids got a roping lesson
from a real, live cowboy.
Everyone got a lasso to take home as a party favor.

Sarah, Candace and Thomas in their best western gear,
including new boots for all.

Bare-backed bronco riding... it was terrifying, actually.

Candace was completely enthralled. She was ready
to sign up for rodeo lessons then and there.

Zoo!

2011-09-24T21:29:00.013-05:00

On Thursday morning, we were surprised by a town wide power outage... extending to the greater Ashland metropolitan area, where we live. The result: no school! It was a gorgeous fall day, so we spent the day at the world-class Henry Doorly Zoo in neighboring Omaha.

Thomas, Anna, Sarah, Abbey and Candace pose on the lion statues near the entrance.

Peering through the spherical window into the gorilla habitat.

Mama gorilla with her baby.

Anna, Thomas and Abbey on the Skyfari.

In the cave exhibit... Thomas was a little nervous.

Aquarium

Hanging out in the canopy at the rainforest.

Technical difficulties

2011-09-24T13:16:00.004-05:00

I'm having trouble with my camera/computer interface. My photo software, which is malfunctioning, is also trying to take over my computer. So, I have been hampered in my ability to post interesting things with pictures... and let's face it, blog posts without pictures should be used sparingly, because they are just not as fun. I think I have discovered a stop-gap method to use until I can take my computer in to the techie geniuses to be debugged... so thanks for hanging with me, faithful readership. Back soon with fun zoo and rodeo pictures!

A hungry child can't wait: Ask 5 for 5

2011-09-18T16:59:00.010-05:00

Guest Blogger: Sarah Lenssen from #Ask5for5
Family photos by Mike Fiechtner Photography

Thank you Spears Family Nebraska and nearly 150 other bloggers from around the world for allowing me to share a story with you today, during Social Media Week.

A hungry child in East Africa can't wait. Her hunger consumes her while we decide if we'll respond and save her life. In Somalia, children are stumbling along for days, even weeks, on dangerous roads and with empty stomachs in search of food and water. Their crops failed for the third year in a row. All their animals died. They lost everything. Thousands are dying along the road before they find help in refugee camps.

At my house, when my three children are hungry, they wait minutes for food, maybe an hour if dinner is approaching. Children affected by the food crisis in Ethiopia, Kenya, and Somalia aren't so lucky. Did you know that the worst drought in 60 years is ravaging whole countries right now, as you read this? Famine, a term not used lightly, has been declared in Somalia. This is the world's first famine in 20 years.12.4 million people are in need of emergency assistance and over 29,000 children have died in the last three months alone. A child is dying every 5 minutes. It it estimated that 750,000 people could die before this famine is over. Take a moment and let that settle in.

The media plays a major role in disasters. They have the power to draw the attention of society to respond--or not. Unfortunately, this horrific disaster has become merely a footnote in most national media outlets. News of the U.S. national debt squabble and the latest celebrity's baby bump dominate headlines. That is why I am thrilled that nearly 150 bloggers from all over the world are joining together today to use the power of social media to make their own headlines; to share the urgent need of the almost forgotten with their blog readers. Humans have the capacity to care deeply for those who are suffering, but in a situation like this when the numbers are too huge to grasp and the people so far away, we often feel like the little we can do will be a drop in the ocean, and don't do anything at all.

When news of the famine first hit the news in late July, I selfishly avoided it. I didn't want to read about it or hear about it because I knew I would feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable. I wanted to protect myself. I knew I would need to do something if I knew what was really happening. You see, this food crisis is personal. I have a 4-year-old son and a 1 yr-old daughter who were adopted from Ethiopia and born in regions now affected by the drought. If my children still lived in their home villages, they would be two of the 12.4 million. My children: extremely hungry and malnourished? Gulp. I think any one of us would do anything we could for our hungry child. But would you do something for another mother's hungry child?

My friend and World Vision staffer, Jon Warren, was recently in Dadaab Refugee Camp in Kenya--the largest refugee camp in the world with over 400,000 people. He told me the story of Isnino Siyat, 22, a mother who walked for 10 days and nights with her husband, 1 yr-old-baby, Suleiman, and 4 yr.-old son Adan Hussein, fleeing the drought in Somalia. When she arrived at Dadaab, she built the family a shelter with borrowed materials while carrying her baby on her back. Even her dress is borrowed. As she sat in the shelter on her second night in camp she told Jon, "I left because of hunger. It is a very horrible drought which finished both our livestock and our farm." The family lost their 5 cows and 10 goats one by one over 3 months, as grazing lands dried up. "We don't have enough food now...our food is finished. I am really worried about the future of my children and myself if the situation continues."

Will you help a child like Baby Suleiman? Ask5for5 is a dream built upon the belief that you will.

That something I knew I would need to do became a campaign called #Ask5for5 to raise awareness and funds for famine and drought victims. The concept is simple, give $5 and ask five of your friends to give $5, and then they each ask five of their friends to give $5 and so on--in nine generations of 5x5x5...we could raise $2.4 Million! In one month, over 750 people have donated over $25,000! I set up a fundraiser at See Your Impact and 100% of the funds will go to World Vision, an organization that has been fighting hunger in the Horn of Africa for decades and will continue long after this famine has ended. Donations can multiply up to 5 times in impact by government grants to
help provide emergency food, clean water, agricultural support,
healthcare, and other vital assistance to children and families suffering in the Horn.

I need you to help me save lives. It's so so simple; here's what you need to do:

Donate $5 or more on this page (http://seeyourimpact.org/members/ask5for5)

Send an email to your friends and ask them to join us.

Share #Ask5for5 on Facebook and Twitter!

I'm looking for another 100 bloggers to share this post on their blogs throughout Social Media Week. Email me at ask5for5@gmail.com if you're interested in participating this week.

A hungry child doesn't wait. She doesn't wait for us to finish the other things on our to-do list, or get to it next month when we might have a little more money to give. She doesn't wait for us to decide if she's important enough to deserve a response. She will only wait as long as her weakened little body will hold on...please respond now and help save her life. Ask 5 for 5.

Thank you on behalf of all of those who will be helped--you are saving lives and changing history.

p.s. Please don't move on to the next website before you donate and email your friends right now. It only takes 5 minutes and just $5, and if you're life is busy like mine, you probably won't get back to it later. Let's not be a generation that ignores hundreds of thousands of starving people, instead let's leave a legacy of compassion. You have the opportunity to save a life today!

Thank you, Sarah, for starting this program... I encourage others to join in and support Ask5for5!

Almost... disaster

2011-09-16T19:29:00.006-05:00

I like to nap. I try to take a nap every day... and Sunday afternoon is my favorite time to nap. This past Sunday, Tom was watching football, the big kids were off doing their own thing, and the littles were playing nicely outside... perfect time for a nap.

Except that sometime during my nap on Sunday, disaster almost struck. Thankfully, mercifully almost.

A frantic Candace came running into the house to get Tom; desperate for help and not very coherent. Tom runs outside to the swing set to find Thomas, crying hard, with a very frightened Sarah and... a jump rope. A jump rope that for some inexplicable reason, Sarah thought she would attach to the top of the slide. Then it seemed like it might be fun to tie it around her neck and slide down. According to Sarah, she "fell asleep for a little" while she was hanging face down on the slide, her body weight stretching the rope taut. Candace said "her eyes did this" and demonstrated by flickering her eyelids and rolling her eyes back. She was unconscious. Thomas and Candace saved their sister's life by untying the rope; Thomas at Sarah's neck and Candace at the top of the slide. Candace then ran for help. Our beautiful daughter could be gone if they hadn't thought quickly.

We have been a little nervous about letting the littles go out back to play since then. What other dangers are lurking; things we never even thought we would have to explain? We also feel terribly guilty that neither one of us was supervising at the time. Bruises, scrapes and maybe even broken bones I would expect from playing on a swing set... possible death? Never even entered my mind.

We feel very grateful that it all ended up with nothing more serious than a rope burn and a bruise. Thank you, God, for watching over our beloved child.

What I learned this week from Punky Brewster

2011-09-14T21:35:00.008-05:00

Remember that spunky little tyke from the eighties, with her crazy clothes and Bohemian style... abandoned by her mom in a supermarket with her trusty dog, she is able to forge cheerfully ahead with her life, charming a crusty old coot and creating a new family for herself, all the while spouting adorable tidbits of wisdom beyond her freckle-faced years?

Yeah, that Punky. Well, she is out promoting her new book Happy Chaos and dishing up advice on motherhood and family this week. Okay, okay it's really actress Soleil Moon Frye, all grown up and married and with kids of her own. Still. I happened to catch her in an interview on The Today Show, and something she said actually resonated with me and made sense. She was talking about the chaos and clutter, both literally and figuratively, that make up the years you spend with your small children. She said something about embracing the chaos, because it will be gone before you know it... I'm paraphrasing wildly here... and living for the time we're in with our kids now.

Wow. That's good advice, Punky.

Up until two years ago, I had gotten pretty good at living in a non-chaotic house. We had a lot of activities etc., but our actual house was reasonably peaceful. Peaceful and clean. Then some crazy notion hit me about having an empty nest... soon! I freaked out. I wasn't ready for that! And I'm still not. I love, love, love having more littles around. Alas, I tend to get pretty worked up sometimes about the mess and yes, the CHAOS of our home. But little Punky was right... or maybe it's grown up Soleil... anyway, it's time for me to embrace the chaos. Because it will be over way too soon. And even though I'll be sixty-two years old when Thomas graduates from high school, I bet I'll still be sad that my nest is going to be empty.

This boy can play ball!

2011-09-12T11:09:00.005-05:00

Thomas started soccer last week. He is playing on the Micro Blue team, which is composed of kids in kindergarten and first grade, plus Thomas. He loves practice, and he had a blast at his first game on Saturday, scoring six goals! True, there is no goalkeeper and no one keeps score, but we proud parents thought that was a pretty smashing debut for Thomas!

Waiting for the game to start

And off they go!

We were impressed with his ball handling skills.

The blue team dominates!

Both the blue team and the green team seemed to have an awesome time... looks like soccer will be lots of fun.

Homecoming 2011

2011-09-10T22:33:00.012-05:00

We had a busy weekend. First up, homecoming at AGHS. The festivities started on Friday at the end of the school day with the parade and pep rally followed by the evening football game.

Thomas briefly joins sister Anna and the rest of the spirit squad during the parade.

It's not a parade without a marching band.

Class float

Downtown pep rally

Anna and friend Jessica

You have to crown a king and queen...
congratulations Shayla and Braxton!

Cheering on the team!

Thomas waiting to release his balloon at the game...

the twins were off hanging with their friends.

Half-time dance performance

Saturday evening br0ught the big dance. Anna and her friends met at our house for pictures before going out to dinner and then on to the dance.

Anna and BFF Abbey

Anna with date Scott

The girls

And the entire squinty group!

Family beach party!

2011-09-06T15:36:00.009-05:00

Although both Tom and I are from Indiana originally, my mom is originally from Nebraska; when we moved to the state thirteen years ago, we had extended family nearby for the first time since getting married in 1986. For the last few years, we have had a cookout/beach party for our Mulcahy family relatives in the Omaha metro area. It's great to visit with my cousins, their kids, their spouses, their kids' spouses, their grandchildren, etc., etc., etc. Lots of people, food, water fun and good times... my cousin Sandy took all of these great pictures.

Me with my brother, Matt.

The littles on the new "jumpoline".

All of the kids think my cousin Tim is great fun!

Disembarking after a tour of the lake.

My cousin Connie and her nephew John take the jet ski for a spin.

Cooper

Enjoying the beach

Child of God and lots of injera

2011-09-04T09:04:00.015-05:00

This weekend, we celebrated Thomas' baptism. My brother Matt and his wife, Sandy, came to Nebraska for the occasion.

Uncle Matt and Aunt Sandy with the littles.

Since we are rarely all gathered together for a picture,
it was really nice of Aunt Sandy to take this one!

Bobby loves Uncle Matt. Bobby pretty much loves everybody.

The baptism

Thomas with his godparents... Uncle Matt and big sister Anna.

After the baptism, we went into Omaha for Ethiopian food at the aptly named Ethiopian Restaurant. Thomas enjoyed his injera and wat immensely.

Two months with Thomas!

2011-09-01T22:46:00.005-05:00

Today marks two months for us home together as a family of eight. Thomas continues to adjust beautifully... he fits right into the family. He loves playing with the twins; he equally loves agitating them... just like a normal brother. He is eager for Emily to come back from college for the weekend, and he loves hanging out with older brother Kenneth and big sister Anna. I have been enjoying some time alone with him since the older kids went back to school and he is a delight. But most of all, Thomas loves Daddy. It's a beautiful thing.

Thomas, Candace and Sarah playing Zingo together while Bridget watches from a comfy seat.

An ambulance for them; adoption funds for you!

2011-08-31T10:50:00.005-05:00

Because Every Mother Matters is raising money for the community of Mareya in Ethiopia. This vehicle will help save hundred of lives and keep families together. Since the bulk of the women involved with the BEMM board have adopted children, this is very dear to our hearts. Now, BEMM would like to encourage currently adopting families to help us out... and by doing so help yourself! Click on the logo above to read about how you can have a chance to get help funding your adoption by giving a $20 or more donation... or you can donate to help out an adopting friend. Time is limited so check out the site now by clicking on the logo!

Failure dreams

2011-08-29T22:42:00.009-05:00

I dream very vividly, and I have many recurring dreams. Some of them are kind of funny, like the one I have where I'm on a flying scooter. Or sometimes I dream that I can jump or leap so high that it's almost like flying. I have this horrible recurring nightmare where I am in college and I just realized I never went to a particular class, I never dropped it and I don't even know where the room is located... and it's finals week. I've gone to several different colleges, and features of all the campuses show up in that one. Sometimes I dream that the pet mice we used to have have multiplied and taken over our basement, and I'm trying to cover it up. Plus the traditional "whoops, I'm naked in public" dream occurs in my brain fairly frequently.

Lately I've been having these disturbing dreams that I have decided to call "failure dreams". In these dreams, I end up in some situation where I have some impossible task to fulfill and I just can't do it. For example, in the one I had last night, I was somehow back in competitive gymnastics, only as my 48 year old self. I am informed that I need to learn all of the level 7 skills before such and such a time. In the dream, I'm pretty sure I can do the beam skills (back handspring in a series... huh?!) but there is NO WAY I am going to be able to get the bar routine. This sounds funny, but I am so stressed out when I wake up, it's horrible. Another one I have had involves me planning several party/fund raiser events and losing all the information but assuring everyone that it's FINE, and then there is one where I have to find my way home, on foot, from the farm my grandparents lived on in Indiana when I was under the age of seven.

Whew. Obviously, I have a lot on my mind. Psychoanalysis, anyone?

Friday night lights

2011-08-26T22:45:00.008-05:00

One of the things I really love about living in a small town is how much the whole town gets behind the high school sports teams. Friday night football games are packed with people young and old and every home game is a major social event. The first home game of the year is also the game where all the elementary school girls who participated in the summer cheer and dance camp get to strut their stuff with the big girls. We were also excited to share the magic of high school football with Thomas!

Before the game I snapped this blurry sibling photo.

Anna (second from right) and the
"real" cheerleaders doing their thing.

The cheerleaders are joined by the little girls.
Anna is on the far right.

Sarah cheering with cheerleader Mallory and a friend.

Candace and bestie Ava... I promise they were actually having fun.
Also, Candace did have pants on.

Bluejays (in blue) in action.

Marching band at half-time... it's a small school.

Little girls performing with the dance team at half-time.

Pictures I love

2011-08-21T21:57:00.003-05:00

This picture is from the mid-nineties when we lived in California. I don't know what we did that day while Grandma Spears was visiting, but it must have been exhausting because Emily and Anna sure look pooped out.

Back to school!

2011-08-19T18:46:00.014-05:00

School started this week! In preparation for the big day, I took Sarah and Candace to the nail salon for pretty painted nails and then they went for a much needed trim to their hair. Here is Sarah rocking her blow-out and her Tacky For Africa headband:

Next up, back to school night to see the new classrooms and meet teachers. Candace is trying out her desk. She will be sitting by Jeris, who was in her preschool and kindergarten class also. I think they are destined to be together.

This Thursday was the big day for heading back to class for the twins. Thomas and I waited for the bus to drop them off at home after school, anxious to hear about their first day of first grade.

Finally, today was Thomas' turn! He was so eager to go to his afternoon preschool that he could hardly wait until lunch was over so he could go. Here he is posing in his new classroom! (Please ignore those extra arms he appears to have sprouted.)

After preschool we went and picked up the twins from elementary school. The young scholars posed for me on the front porch steps before running off to ride their bikes.

Why, God?

2011-08-15T15:29:00.011-05:00

I am a cradle Catholic, raised my whole life in the Catholic church. I have raised my own children in the faith. For the last several years, I have been trying very hard to devote more of myself and my daily life to God and listening to his calling; praying daily for discernment, for aid and to praise Him. I have rejoiced when I could see the answers to my prayers blessing myself and others.

But something has happened which is challenging me... I just don't understand how this could be God's plan.

A family has waited for their son from Ethiopia for over a year. They finally go to court in March. They leave believing they have passed that hurdle. After coming home, they receive the news that they in fact did not; more paperwork is required by the court. They wait. They wait some more. One by one, all of the other families in their group pass, but they are still waiting. Some of us pray and pray and pray. Finally, months later, they pass. Four days later, a massive orphanage closing goes on in Ethiopia, throwing all kinds of doubt into the process and shifting children around. I, however, am convinced that by the hand of God, they passed in the nick of time and all will be well. I am SURE all will be well. No matter that the new orphanage will not release their child to the agency transition home; it is surely a paperwork glitch and all will be well. I confidently share my opinion with the family that all will be well.

All is not well.

This family was told today that the regional MOWA in Awassa has indicated that they will not be releasing their child to them, ever. I don't know why. I don't know how this can even be. I don't know what will happen to this little boy. I am horrified, saddened and heartbroken. I am wondering how this can be what God wants... how is this part of the plan?

My faith is shaken. I am shaken. I feel like a sham; having shared my fruitless words of comfort, only to have this terrible outcome occur anyway.

The funny thing is, though, I don't know anything else that I can do. So I will pray. Pray for understanding, pray for healing, pray for comfort... pray for this family. Pray for my own faith.

Postscript: I found out later today that this situation is faced by five families of CHSFS. I know three of the families personally. The regional MOWA officials are planning to place the children back with birth families "if possible" and otherwise the children will be institutionalized. All of the families have valid court decrees from the Federal First Instance Court.

Running with the big dogs

2011-08-14T16:18:00.012-05:00

We are a pet loving family and we currently have two dogs and two cats. Our dogs are Boston terriers, which are rather on the small side. We also think they are too untrustworthy to be allowed down by the lake. So, it was quite a novelty this week when our good friends Heather and Abbey brought their very well-behaved dogs over to swim in our lake. Sidney is a lovable Newfoundland and Mabel is a goofy yellow Lab. Yep, these are big dogs!

Candace is a little nervous, so Abbey gives her a lift.
(That big stick in the foreground was the fetch toy!)

Abbey introducing Sarah and Thomas to Sidney.

Water park fun

2011-08-11T19:47:00.008-05:00

Summer isn't officially over for a few weeks, but it's winding down now... school starts next week. This week we put in a late summer visit to the very nice water park at nearby Mahoney State Park.

Thomas and Anna playing in one of the fountains

The girls enjoying the wave pool

Thomas in the fountain

Sarah

Candace

Ways to help!

2011-08-11T09:10:00.007-05:00

My friend Carmen and several other adoptive families have set up a great site to take donations for the Horn of Africa famine crisis. Aid organizations include Children's Hope Chest, Doctors Without Borders, World Vision and World Food Programme. Donations of $25 or more qualify for some neat and unique gifts too... TODAY ONLY! So hurry, click here to find our more and make your donation!

Horn of Africa drought 2011 HELP TODAY

2011-08-09T19:47:00.002-05:00

The Horn of Africa region, including large parts of Ethiopia, is experiencing the worst drought in 60 years. This is leading to wide-spread famine. I like this YouTube video because it has the great map at the beginning showing how large the affected area is. Please consider giving... go to the aid organization of your choice and make a donation today.

Dark Girls Documentary Trailer

2011-08-07T17:22:00.002-05:00

I found this trailer on the blog "Whatever Things Are True: The Good, The Bad and the Beautiful of International Adoption". As the mother of two beautiful dark skinned girls from Ethiopia, I found it thought provoking, disturbing and really sad.

Different feet; same hearts

2011-08-05T20:01:00.008-05:00

I was looking at the littles' feet the other day and thinking how there is no way that those feet look anything like mine:

My feet are vein-y and bony with weird shaped little toes. The twins' have long, narrow, almost elegant little feet. Thomas has feet like little planks... their sturdiness makes me laugh when I look at them. They're wide with short little toes.

Even if our skin matched, these feet would give us away.

But as I was looking at these feet the other day, I was thinking how it didn't matter that we don't share a single gene... my heart doesn't know the difference. And this is truly the miracle of adoption. There are lots of hard things surrounding any adoption under any circumstances. But there is also this miracle of love and the heart's boundless ability to love more and more. Our hearts can grow to love as much as we want them to.

Even if our feet don't match.

One month

2011-08-01T21:37:00.006-05:00

Thomas has been home with us one month today. And may I just say... it has been easy. We so deserved this after the twins! Everyone is getting along well and the stress level is fairly low. For comparison purposes, you can read this. Or this. Or even this.

It's just been a whole different ballgame this time around. We so hope and pray that we maintain this course, but... we are ready if we don't.

Sarah and Candace with their little brother Thomas, aka "Mr. Cool".
(Accessories selected by Thomas)

Kids Bowl Free!

2011-07-31T20:04:00.007-05:00

We signed up for a program this year (at the recommendation of a friend) called "Kids Bowl Free". Each week, we get a coupon via email for each child to bowl two free games per day (shoe rental fees not included). We have used our coupons a couple of times this year, but you could theoretically take your kids bowling for free every day. Not including snacks, the above mentioned shoe rental, games for big people etc. Still, I think it's an awesome deal and I believe it's offered at bowling alleys across the country.

Each kid has their own unique bowling style:

First up, Candace prefers the brute strength caveman style.

Followed by Sarah, who utilizes a less confident
but equally effective approach.

Thomas is up next, and he favors a cool style with lots of flair.

Last up was big sister Emily, but fortunately for her, the shots I took of her didn't come out so well. But here she is relaxing with her fellow bowlers.

All in all, it was a very fun outing!

30 years ago...

2011-07-28T21:31:00.007-05:00

...this adorable couple graduated from high school.

And here they are last weekend, getting ready to attend
their high school reunion:

Did I mention that it was a thirty year reunion? I know... that couple doesn't look like they could possibly be that old, do they?

Ever wonder how you can help?

2011-07-27T16:01:00.009-05:00

Please consider donating to my favorite charity, Because Every Mother Matters. BEMM is made up of five ordinary women here in the US and a handful of dedicated Ethiopian citizens. Some of us are mothers to kids from Ethiopia, and we have experienced the pain of a child losing their first family. All of us have a calling to help mothers stay healthy and alive to raise their children... no matter where they live.

You can click here to read about the latest mama's story to reach us; a story of a mama who needs our help. You can donate by clicking on the logo and going to the website for BEMM. Every little dollar goes right to our causes... won't you consider reaching out?

And then there were none!

2011-07-26T11:49:00.002-05:00

When we passed court on April 15, our happiness was dampened by the knowledge that four of the eleven families in our court travel group still hadn't passed. Last week, two of them passed after many agonizing weeks of wait. Today, the final two got word that they too had passed and their children are legally theirs! Finally! No more families waiting for court! It makes me so happy. Now we just have to pray the five families waiting for embassy clearance home through the last hurdle.

The joy of firsts

2011-07-18T21:26:00.007-05:00

One of the fun things about adopting an older international child is watching them enjoy their first time doing so many different things. A few things we have enjoyed with Thomas are: escalators, elevators, airplanes, riding a bike, riding a scooter, listening to an iPod, swimming, Wii, riding the jet ski and today, riding in our boat. Here are some pictures from our boat ride this evening, during which Thomas exuberantly exclaimed "I love boat!"

Sarah, Thomas and Candace

Captain Thomas gets an assist from Daddy

Like a hot potato

2011-07-14T19:26:00.011-05:00

Dropped...
One thing I have noticed after two international adoptions... and this is a caveat for those of you contemplating undertaking this journey or in the early stages... is how quickly the agency/client relationship diminishes after you walk through your front door with your new child. You have developed a relationship with the agency, a very needy one that involves anxious emails and phone calls and the writing of large checks. Maybe a large part of your week revolved around when you would hear some news, any news, from the people at the agency, the people who seemed to almost control your future. And then, you're home and... nothing. No emails, no phone calls... you are done. Complete. Maybe you get a "welcome home" packet detailing how your post-placement reports should be filed, with a list of "resources" for you in case of problems. I don't know... even though I was expecting it this time, it still just feels so abrupt. Like, "Hey, I just added a whole kid here to the family... and you're just leaving me to my own devices? What's up with that?"

Fortunately, we are having an easy transition this time around. So far. So I guess we learned some things the first time. But I wouldn't turn down a friendly "how's it going?" phone call or email from the agency people.

Edited: I just want to add that I feel that in general this is something that agencies can improve on... I'm not picking on specific people. It's much like sending moms and newborns home from the hospital with a wave and a "good luck!" , which is pretty much what happens. However, this is my blog, and I should be able to post about my feelings regardless. And my feeling, whether truly warranted or not, is the panicky feeling of suddenly being on my own.

Adoption announcement

2011-07-11T11:04:00.005-05:00

Dot Spots Multi Basic Borders

Modern greeting cards and party invitations by Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

This is the announcement I made to mail out to family. I think it turned out pretty cute!

One week

2011-07-08T20:12:00.003-05:00

We have been a family of eight for one week now. Thomas seems to be adjusting beautifully. The twins are doing much better than I expected... jealousy issues have been at a minimum. Daddy is thrilled with his new son and the feeling is mutual. Big siblings are so relieved to have us home that to them anything else is a bonus.

I feel... weird. Unexpectedly down. Slightly panicky. I've also been sick almost all week. I'm feeling impatient and out of sorts. Not like a thrilled new mommy should feel... sigh.

Independence Day

2011-07-04T19:41:00.010-05:00

Our new little American citizen, Feyissa Thomas,
experienced his first Independence Day today,
complete with some traditional fun July 4th activities.

First, some swimming with Candace and Sarah:

Followed by some fireworks provided by big sisters
Anna and Emily.

Tonight we'll watch the professional display here in our neighborhood, followed by bedtime. :)

Home!

2011-07-02T19:50:00.002-05:00

He's almost here!

2011-06-22T20:04:00.005-05:00

All this room needs to make it complete is one little boy. Tomorrow, we're on our way to bring him home.

Some summer fun

2011-06-18T15:45:00.006-05:00

Things have gone all crazy around here as we get ready to leave for Ethiopia in just a few days, but we are still managing to get in some summer fun. Midweek, Tom and I surprised the twins by waking them up for a "secret adventure". They didn't know where we were going until we pulled into the parking area at Worlds of Fun amusement park in Kansas City.

Relaxing in the Shade at Planet Snoopy

Girls like monster trucks, too.

Yesterday I bought the girls their very own Barbie Princess fishing rods. They have already learned how to cast from their Daddy, so they were ready to start reeling them in. They can't wait to get Thomas started with his Spiderman rod.

Sarah

Candace

Embassy appointment!

2011-06-16T04:36:00.003-05:00

We have our appointment! June 28! In just eleven days, we will be looking at our little Thomas' face, and he will greet us as his parents. Can't wait. :)

June weddings

2011-06-11T19:39:00.011-05:00

June is the traditional month for weddings, and we just got to enjoy one! I traveled to Indianapolis with oldest daughter Emily for my niece Shawna's wedding to longtime boyfriend Kyle.

It seems like only yesterday, but also during this past week, this happy couple celebrated 25 years of marriage...

I hope Shawna and Kyle are as lucky in their marriage as we have been in ours!

p.s. ADOPTION UPDATE: Our case has been submitted to the Embassy, and they requested the correction of a discrepancy of the birth father's name which appeared in the documents. We are still waiting to hear if this has been resolved... very, very impatiently.

And the winner is...

2011-06-03T15:47:00.004-05:00

Emily!!!

I used a random line picker application to choose the winner. Emily, email me your address and I will send the book to you ASAP! You are going to love it!

My first ever blog GIVE-AWAY!

2011-05-29T21:24:00.004-05:00

I started this blog in September of 2008 as we were paper-chasing for our first adoption. Two years later, in August of 2010, I finally discovered the blog hit counter... slow on the uptake, I know. Anyway, in honor of my 10,000th page view (since 8/30/10), I am having a book give-away.

The book is Melissa Fay Greene's No Biking in the House Without a Helmet. Anyone will find it highly readable and fun, but parents of internationally adopted children will find that it resonates even more. I loved it.

To win, leave a comment on this post. I will post the winner this Friday.

School's out for the summer!

2011-05-27T21:43:00.010-05:00

Their faces say it all...

Exuberant Candace jitterbugged up the driveway, looking forward to playing, less restrictive bedtimes, beach time, swimming and all the fun of summer.

While a thoughtful Sarah announced with a melancholy air that she was going to miss her friends.

New friends!

2011-05-23T21:11:00.004-05:00

On Sunday we attended a picnic in Lincoln for Ethiopian adoptive families. We were thrilled to meet the Druckenmillers' new sons, and also to meet several new families and their children from Ethiopia... strangely, all boys. Candace and Sarah were the only Ethiopian girls in attendance! It was fun for all of us.

And now they are 7!

2011-05-17T19:54:00.007-05:00

In one of the most highly anticipated events of the year, Candace and Sarah turned 7 years old today. We have been counting down the days most eagerly for the last two months. The big event was celebrated with presents, a Barbie ballerina cake and a surprise dinner of various wat dishes and lots of delicious injera. It was a lovely birthday for our lovely little girls.

Presents!

Barbie cake and injera feast!

Blowing out the candles!

Birth certificate... check

2011-05-11T16:00:00.005-05:00

One more hurdle passed... we are in possession of an official Ethiopian birth certificate listing us as the parents of Feyissa Thomas. This, obviously, is an artist's rendering.

Age... 4, 5 or 6?

2011-05-06T11:23:00.011-05:00

Whenever people hear about our adoption plans for little Thomas, they invariably ask "How old is he?" A sensible question, right? And one to which we invariably answer along these lines: "Ha, ha! Well, we heard he was four in December. But we thought he seemed older than that, and the bone scan and doctor in Ethiopia said he might be six. So we thought we would say that he's five, and everyone agreed. But now some people in Ethiopia say he can be four or he can be six, but he can't be five unless we want to go through court again. So now we are saying his birthday was in December, and he turned four, just as the original data suggested." By now the questioner has had his or her eyes glaze over and is walking away. Some more intrepid individuals question why in the world you would question the birth date in the first place, which is probably instantly regretted as that segues into another long answer about the Ethiopian calendar, lack of reliable data in the third world and possible deliberate under-aging of children made available for adoption.

Can your four year old do this? None of mine could... and he can jump rope well, too.

I was pretty set that being five would work out the best, so it's frustrating to have this change. I am fairly confident that Thomas is older than four and a half. So why did we pick four instead of six? Well, if we leave his birth age at four, he will enter kindergarten at age five plus and will have a whole year of home life in America under his belt. My plan before was to try to homeschool him for kindergarten the first year, and I was beginning to worry that this might be too stressful for both of us the first year home anyway. The second major consideration was birth order. We really think it is best for the family as a whole and the twins in particular to have a younger brother, not a same age sibling. So four it is. It's worth noting that due to Thomas's small stature, he won't be noticeably different in size from his grade level peers.

I know the artificiality of "picking an age" just seems crazy to most people. It is. But what can you do? Choose, and hope for the best.

Moving forward from painful

2011-04-27T19:29:00.007-05:00

I have one of those gadgets on my computer side bar that randomly circulates photos from my vast collection stored on my hard drive. Lately, this photo of Candace has been showing up a lot. It was taken about a week or so after we got back to the United States.

This picture is almost painful for me to look at. This is the face of a child who is trying desperately to please someone she can't communicate with, she doesn't know and who is making her wear this horribly ugly dress (in her opinion... I myself thought it was adorable.) Tom and Emily were away for an overnight trip to Iowa State for orientation, adding some uncertainty to the mix as far as the twins' minds were concerned. I was trying to take pictures of the twins to use on adoption announcements, and after about fifteen minutes of trying, I think we were all in tears.

This is about when it sunk in to me how challenging these girls were going to be and that our family was forever altered in a drastic way. It was a very low moment, and there were many more over the next months.

It has now been not quite two years since the twins were added to our family, and we are anxiously awaiting the arrival of our son. I think we are all more prepared this time. How couldn't we be? I am a little afraid. But I also feel stronger. Most of the time, my pictures of Candace these days look more like this one:

It was a long hard, journey to get to this point. It is still an upward climb... not just for Candace and me, but for Sarah and Tom and all of our family. There is still pain to manage and understand. It was, and is, so worth it. I am grateful to God for setting us on this path and giving my life a new purpose. I am eager to embrace Feyissa Thomas as my son and to continue to work on just being a family, all of us together under God.

Easter

2011-04-24T16:57:00.009-05:00

Candace and Sarah with their new Easter bunnies.

Spears kids ready for Easter Mass.

Tom and I are dressed for Mass too.
We don't usually look this crazy; I blame the fact that
the photographer was less than four feet tall.

May the many blessings of the day be with you and your family.

Pictures I love

2011-04-20T20:08:00.005-05:00

Four sisters and a mom.
This is at my sister Laura's house in 2003.
From left to right: Johanna, Laura, Mom, me and Teresa.

The birthday girl goes to prom

2011-04-17T21:46:00.006-05:00

Anna, the youngest of our three "bigs", turned 17 on Friday. We celebrated with dinner and cake at home, then she went to the movies with two of her friends. Here she is with her birthday cake, little sister Sarah and good friend Jessica:

It was a big weekend for Anna. On Saturday, she went to the prom with her friend Bobby and several other kids from school. Here they are at our house before the festivities:

It's hard for me to believe that my darling little Anna is 17 years old and going off to the big dance with a date. Seems like hardly any time at all since she was as young as the twins... I know it will be the blink of an eye before they are doing the same thing. Bittersweet, for sure.

Introducing our new son!

2011-04-15T14:21:00.009-05:00

We passed court today. Here is our beautiful new son,
Feyissa Thomas Spears!

Our first photo with Thomas, taken at the care center when we were in Addis last month for our court trip:

We are eagerly counting the days until we bring him home!

A taste of summer

2011-04-09T19:38:00.012-05:00

With temperatures in the upper eighties today, we got a summer preview... well, okay a late spring preview, it will be much hotter in the middle of the summer! Summer at our house means swimming, boating and playing on the trampoline. The lake is still far too cold for swimming and the boat isn't quite ready, but Daddy put the "jumpoline" up today.

Jumping!

Anna does a back tuck flip

Candace does a straddle jump

Sarah's front flip

Sarah's straddle jump

Moving in the right direction

2011-04-06T16:08:00.003-05:00

I got the news today from a reliable source (our agency caseworker) that our letter from MOWA has been issued. She said we would still need the court order signed by the judge on April 15th, but all of the paperwork is done. With the drama surrounding the slowdown of paperwork processing by MOWA (which is actually MOWCYA now) I was afraid that our case would be delayed by months.

So happy to report that isn't true. Just nine days to wait. :)

Good-bye to my best buddy

2011-03-31T15:29:00.006-05:00

He was a really good dog and I loved him very much.
Today was a really hard day.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Pictures I love

2011-03-29T22:29:00.007-05:00

My mom and Anna at Dana Point, California in 1996.

Kirill's story

2011-03-25T20:13:00.004-05:00

This is such a horrible miscarriage of justice and an outrage toward special needs children everywhere.

Kirill's story (click to read)

I'll be praying for this family. I encourage you to read their story and join me.